I had the biggest crush on him from the moment I saw him smile at me. Suddenly, the world stopped and just like any infatuated junior, I was left smiling dreamily with a pounding heart inside my chest. A persistent admirer, i was sitting on the bench, cheering for their basketball team and hanging out at the spots where he goes to. He would give me a glance and say hi, a nod and a smirk, and innocently walk away. He was my walking dream.
We started our relationship when I was in college. We kept it a secret from everyone else, creating a world of our own - him, me, and the movie theaters. For years, the theater seats were the only witness of our passion and love. It was the only place where we could hold hands and feel each other's bodies. It was the only place where we could kiss passionately, without worrying about what other people might say. The cold darkness became our home, and the flashing lights were our warmth. The actors and actresses were the only confidantes of our silly fights, our mushy love lines, and our muted grunts and moans. It was all there is. It was all we had until we found that safer place.
Every love story has a problem, and we had lots. I was immature and selfish, and he was too confined in his small, barrio-tic world. I was adventurous and independent, but he was too scared to try and risk. I was starting to get a life, and he already has his own, and it was a kind of life that I would never wish to have. Throughout the whole time, our relationship became a cycle of fun, misunderstanding, fights and make up sex. On and on until it became a routine. Until we stopped fighting not because we have changed but because we were too tired to argue and maybe too angry to care.
He had his ways and I had mine. We were both trapped in the shadows of our pride. It then came to a point that no one would say sorry. No one would stoop down and accept a mistake. It was already a failing relationship. The saddest part is, it was only I who realized that. Four years of love and hate can make your heart grow tired. It could overshadow any amount of love that you have left, and sometimes it can just make you quit.
Once upon a time, I realized that I fell in love with a complete stranger who has the most perfect smile that made my heart melt. Now I know that was all it was. Struggling with letting go and moving on, everything can remind me of him. He comes alive in every movie theater, in every basketball game MVP, in every artist, in every love song, in every almond-shaped eyes, and in every perfect smile. It was like he was able to afford a comfortably wide space my heart. He was my regular employee, my Mighty Bond, my siamese twin. I just can't get him out of my system.
But I know that just like the way the heart learns to love, it can find a way to let go. Maybe not now but I know someday it will. Someday, it wouldn't be that awkward when we bump into each other on a street anymore. I would learn to be happy when I see him with someone else and be able to wish them the best of luck without a throbbing pain in my heart.
Until then, all I could is post a blog and try to live happily ever after.
